whatever the message was, i think i must have missed it.
i broke the bong and we ended the pilgrimage, but i didn't learn my lesson.
what was that?
two tabs of acid and one reverberation.
watch your best friend flash a lifetime before your eyes, but you're in love with her boyfriend and even she knows. you two last into your old age,
but all that soul fucking still won't let either of you cum.
behave yourself.
soul fuck everyone.
undress one another and just accept it.
then get over it and realize you can never, ever have it.
you will constantly have it in your life, constantly need to find an excuse to tune it out.
you'll always just juggle life by the balls and you won't get any further.

fuck you.
i'm not ready to behave myself yet.
i'm eighteen years old and i want to fall in love.
i want to break hearts.
i want to live and not just settle.
i want it.
and i want to kill it.
i'm not going to accept without experiencing.

a two headed monster... you're her, him, them, it. you.

stupid boring people doing stupid boring things.
sunny days and new air wasted on the refurbished couches.
faces paled by the dim light emanating from laptop screens.
bodies go missing and their seats are replaced by their exhausted computers occupying cushion beside cushion.
nothing to do but get fucked up.
there's nothing to do here but get fucked up.
make yourself look nice,
go to class, do your twenty minutes of reading,
come back home and surrender your conscious to the hum of the laptop's fan.
just become robots with technology absorbing your insides.
progress. intellect. logic.
surrender your consciousness to something that will give you a personality.
so you don't have to think anymore.
just give it up.
people are so much less intimidating through text, anyway.

music is probably the most important thing in my life.
i pity those who don't have a favorite song.

pipe organ, clashing metal cymbals, every sound entangled at every right time, skeletons, my sister, the bitter sadness of the love for someone tragic, victim, a sad hopeless case, desperation,

the swelling in my heart, i'm completely in love with music.
my heart swells so much with this song, it hurts.
a heart just can't hold that much love, it wants to trickle out into someone else's warmth.

there is so much love in me. it's close to overflowing.
but it's selfish,
and it can't give itself to anybody.
it can't give itself to hardly anyone at all...
so i find refuge in the music.


a line allow progress, a circle does not.

I'm in my existential breakdown you get when you start college and find yourself.
I've got myself mostly figured out, I think.
I'm like my dad.
My sister is like my mom.
I feel like I've known these things forever, I've just never really understood why they were so.

I really want to meet more people I can love... people like my dad and me, people like Matt and Joyce and Melissa Cuddy. I want to fall in love so, so badly. I need to stop settling for these relationships which I don't really want, because boys' emotions get fucked up in the process. Devan's ridiculously in love with me, and I think he's becoming conscious of it. I don't want to break Devan's heart. I do love Devan, it's just not the kind of love it needs to be. But I am settling for him - but I'm not going to meet anybody down here in Southern California. I need to get back into my own sort of scene to be happy...
Unrequited everythings are just so horrible.


I'm going to kill this creative block someone's constructed around me recently.
I'm going to write a novel about Jeff, Jessica, and my mother.
My mother's the only one who deserves a book written about her...

but I can't expose my tattoo to sunlight just yet.
Jeeeesus fuckin' christ.
Second day of the new quarter... it's gonna be relatively easy, I'm pretty sure.
Ooooh, I'm gonna swoop this table as soon as these people leave...
I'm out at the HUB without a table. Steal!


hahah. that was a journey. I had to race to beat this other girl to the table..


... this is the stupidest blog I have ever written, maybe...


I just want my tattoos healed.
And I don't want to go to French class.
Poop.

mama gave her these hands so she could draw out a picture,
gave her this spine so she could look others in the eye,
gave her these bones to withstand the blows,
gave her these legs to control men's minds,
gave her these sad eyes to take in the weight of the world,
gave her this tired mind to think too much about it all.

i don't know what's happening to me.
something opened up inside of me, and a whole new way of understanding the world has come over me, eaten its way from the inside of my gut out.

true comprehension is such a key part of life.

all of these eighteen years, my way of feeling has been shallow; i've never felt much emotion, and i've known that. i didn't think i was capable of much more than that. i've never really felt much of anything.
but honestly, feeling is an art.
emotions come with physical effects. that's why sadness makes you so sick. why you're so much more energetic when you're happy. why you can feel the warmth of love and fondness deep inside your chest.
my way of feeling for the past years has just been thinking.
i've only known a shallow sort of logic as emotion.
this is why i had such trouble understanding the things that made people so angry. why people hold grudges. why people don't forgive. why i could never fall in love.
the feelings were only in my head, fully controllable. i could not give myself over to any physical feeling.

was i ever in love with jessica?
or did i just come close to it?
i never truly FELT it.
i don't know.


but now i think i'm beginning to understand human emotion,
and maybe some impassable sort of shell encasing my heart will began to open.

You can't hold anything back. Give it your all, and you'll do so much better than you would otherwise - this applies to nearly everything. A quiver in your voice while you're singing means you're hesitating. Sex is better when you're comfortable and do everything you feel like you should. People will like you better if you don't hold back from saying what you think and act as your own real person. Being genuine is an art.
One of the most important things you'll ever learn in life is empathy. Is truly understanding emotions. Is comprehension. There are no words, you just know when you really understand.
You're going to die eventually anyway - why go out early? Just see what else there is.
You can't fake art. Real writers are the ones who feel everything they write about.
Music is as essential to life as love is.
Every single person must constantly work toward a goal, or else life just gets boring.


For Christmas, I want:
a Canon Rebel XTI
a bike
a vintage cat clock
money for music & tattoos

It's inevitable that we all become our parents, but I will fight it to the fucking death.
My house is not a home. It's a hallow occupancy with dark, quiet rooms; it's a place where bodies go to retire each evening. There is no love in my house.
I don't have a home with my family, so I make my own: MCoffee is my home. I look forward to returning to the coffee shop when I'm at school, seeing the people who surround it.


That's just so sad.

1. no more getting fucked up in the middle of the week. i have 8:10 and 9:40 am classes, i need to GO TO THEM and not be nursing a hangover all week.

2. no more ecstasy until next school year. i've been poppin' too many pills, burning holes in my brain. what good is a college education if it just slips out with all my endorphins?

3. start saying, "you are a gentleman and a scholar." whenever people do nice things for me.

4. don't let my happiness be governed by my martial status - or get something of a stable boyfriend. keep my pride and say "no."

5. stop talking about happy pets all the time.

6. don't say things that i know would annoy me to hear from others.

7. go to italian class!

hahahh, maybe that's it for now. i know i won't really adhere to all of these, but whatever. at least i made the effort. definitely fewer drugs, definitely jut be happy.
if i meet somebody to help create that happiness, then cool. if not, whatever. i'll just let whatever happens, happen. become a little more like my old self. i don't know when i started needing a guy around to keep me happy. i'm getting over it, though. i feel like i used to be a much better person - but it was only because i didn't understand. now, i've been through it, i know what i can do, i know what i need to be. now i actually will understand why i do the actions i do, and they'll be fucking meaningful.

i would rather have this understanding of my actions than blindly doing "the right thing."